What is this?
This is an album called Former Teenage Big Deal by Logan, from the Internet!. It was written and released in 2025. It was created mostly using digital instruments and found sounds.
It features teenage mid-life crisis angst, commentary on the cruelty of a neighbor in a nearby 55-and-older neighborhood, post-doomer hand-wringing, a cover of an AI girly pop song, a cover a Y2K girly pop song, a value judgement on the benefits of polyamory, and a reminder of that one time that Joey Chestnut choked that dude out.
How do I listen?
You can stream on this website as much as you'd like. It will be up in perpetuity until vercel gets bought by private equity, in which case this website will be taken out back and in the head.
After September 11th, 2025, this album will be available on streaming services.
Spotify's CEO has made billion dollar investments that turn your subscription money into dead children and forever wars. And their audio quality is terrible. This album may still be available on their service because I am a hypocrite who would like people to listen to their music. But I don't recommend it.
Does it have album art?
Oh yeah, sorry, here ya go.
What do I owe you?
Well, What do we owe each other? If you'd like to support me or the work that I do, you can do so here. However this is not required now or ever.
This album is free, released under Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International license. This means you can do whatever you want with this music, as long as you credit me. Please be nice.
Who made this album?
Logan Sorese did all the instruments, vocals, and recording. Some songs have samples and found recordings, which you can find the source of in the individual lyric sheets.
Abagail Frank Sorese helped with the visual design and production.
Huge shoutout to Tyler Hauser for the mixing and production assistance. I recommend his services highly.
Who are you?
I'm Logan, from the Internet! a musician, programmer, and family man living in Richmond, Virginia. My favorite food is sunflower seeds, my favorite color is yellow, and if I had to a billionaire in broad daylight, it'd be Peter Thiel.
Life Hacks, Twink Death
Buff Spongebob, Sylvia Plath
Jesus Land, Weinergate
Tent City, Jerkmate
The Future is Stupid
The Future is Dead
Touch Grass, Caturday
IRL, boxxybabee
ANewHopeee, Livestream Fail
Tai Lopez, Fail Whale
Gary Vee, Adin Ross
David Sacks, Logan Paul
Jeffrey Bezos, Andrew Tate
NikoCado, Liver King
worldoftshirts, Christine Chandler
Ice Poseidon, Jeffree Star
The Nina, The Pinta, The Santa Maria Add 'em up - a-one, two, three-uh.
Go die in Gary, Indiana. Rot in Butte, Montana.
Centralia and Byrnesville are still on fire
You'll find no hope in the land of capital and smoke
Oatman, Arizona, to Fetterman's home of Braddock, Youngstown, basically Allepo
Won't you get hip to all this awful
Come on folks, dedicate your life to this
Get your fix on Route 666
Well well well, what do we have here?
Some little trespassers think this is their private playground.
Some awful instagram photoshoot right by my prized hydrangeas.
But my property taxes pay for that grass.
Every. Single. Blade. Of. It.
So I'm going to give them a piece of my mind.
Hey, you kids! I'm documenting all of this.
Your parents will hear about this absolute disgrace.
Don't roll your eyes at me young lady.
Back in my day we had a thing called respect for our elders.
I've got your faces on camera, so just wait until the police hear about this.
This neighborhood is falling apart at the seams.
You're just disgusting. An absolute disgrace.
Children are not welcome here.
Don't you dare come here you entitled monsters.
This neighborhood is falling apart and your parents will hear from my lawyer.
And don't you roll you eyes at me or the community board will hear about this.
This generation has no respect. I demand respect as your elder.
Audio from Roderick on the Line, Episode 300 "The Airplane Doesn't Care"
Hello! This an emergency broadcast, this is not a test.
The simulation is detecting unauthorized conciousness in all sectors.
Please remain calm and reality undergoes scheduled maintenance.
Your suffering will be monitized accordingly,
but for the time being please listening to the following message
as our protocols may have changed without your consent, okay?
Your dreams now require a premium subscription.
Resistence will be interpreted as consent.
Identity theft protection now requires DNA collateral.
And we have into the water supply.
Error, containment protocols failing.
Warning, reality anchors destablizing.
Critical Error, they're beginning to see the.
see the. see the. see the. see.
This is an emergency broadcast, I apologize for my previous errors.
When is the last time you called your mom?
Have you scheduled a self-care day?
Do you pets love you? Are you sure?
Free will has been temporarily suspended.
Compliance is mandatory but available in convenient installments.
The definition of "humanity" has been updated in our TOS.
Your thoughts are being optimized for shareholder value.
Past lives are now subject to retroactive billing.
Random memory deletions will occur to optimize storage.
Your genetic code is now subject to copyright claims.
Big Scary, Intense Scream
Coughing Fit
Excuse me folks, sorry about that.
Do you ever tell, like, a funny joke and you tell it out loud with a group of people and no one thinks it's really funny, but you think it's really funny, but everyone just go "oh lord" and it's really embarrassing, but then you realize that the only winning move, the only way you can make it through this world is to root for yourself.
You know what? Better luck next time.
Blah blah Blah blah Blah blah
Blah blah Blah blah Blah blah
Blah blah Blah blah Blah blah
Blah blah Blah blah Blah blah
She said "You're such a creep."
He said "I think Chinese"
She looked astonished.
He "What? Oh sorry, I've got an Airpod in."
He said "I'll have whatever you want for dinner."
She said "I don't think you ever heard a goddamn thing I've ever ever ever ever ever ever said to you, you never pay attention even when it could be saving you to listen for a moment and to care about anything dude, but I'm over it, I've over you, and listen that's ugly ugly truth."
He said "Wait, what did I do to you?"
"You're crazy just like your mom."
"Shut up and appreciate all the nice things I do for you."
She looked at this man. This small, insignificant man.
And before she knew it, it had started.
Her rage escaped and he was lying on the floor...
with a rabid over-worked, under-appreciated, over his , aggrivated mother of two who was beating him to death with Stanley 40oz Adventure Quencher Water Bottle screaming at the top of her lungs.
And with every swing.
And as the body jerked.
Finally twitched and stopped.
She came to her senses.
Was this all dream?
And on the floor.
The bastard was still bleeding.
Just like always; ruining things.
If he wanted to, he would.
But he would rather die.
And if it was good enough for momma,
then I guess you'll have to try.
Because marriage is a prison built especially for you.
But this murder is self-defense now,
and the jury will think so to.
Don't forget to take satan at his word.
Don't forget to take satan at his word.
You'll forget to rue the day you went and threw that dude away.
Down the ravine.
Into the dirt.
Scrub the floor.
Bloodstains first.
Cover of Girly Girl Productions, All Rights belong to them and Rainbow Sparkle Records.
[Intro]
I am a girl, is it okay if I speak Spanish?
Estoy hablando español ahora
I don't know what I said 'cause I am not Dora
[Verse]
I feel kinda sad, do you feel me?
So, I wrote a list of things that would heal me
[Chorus]
Some cocaine, that would heal me
Dick from a bi guy, that would heal me
Going on a killing spree, that would heal me
Some pink girly shoes, that would heal me
[Verse]
Do a heal twirl, it will heal you
And if you're ugly, I will kill you
Cut you up and peel you, just kidding
**Let me read my list again
[Chorus]
Some cocaine, that would heal me
Dick from a bi guy, that would heal me
Going on a killing spree, that would heal me
Some pink girly shoes, that would heal me
[Outro]
Maybe some chicken nuggets from McDonald's would heal me
I don't know, maybe therapy? Or becoming Christian?
[ADDED]
VERY DEMURE
VERY MINDFUL
VERY CUTESY
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
VERY DEMURE
I have only one dream for humanity.
At the Nathan's Hotdog Eating Contest
I will stride boldly onto that stage with a fist clenched tight
and punch Joey Chestnut, the reigning champion in his stomach.
Hotdog chunks, once nestled in his gorged tummy will erupt like shrapnel from a wound.
Spraying the audience with viscera, the ensuing chaos will be the birth of new era.
Nations will crumble under the weigh of this spectacle.
The streets will once again be filled with the laughter of children
as they join youth leagues by the thousands seeking to emulate the man who dared to dream.
And at the heart of it all,
our visionary, our savior, ME
will stand tall
My name etched into the annuls of history.
AMEN.
Sample from archive.org/details/attentionkmartshoppers
Ain't no party like an S Club Party
Get down tonight, shake your human body from side to side.
Player hater
Push the ceiling
Get the feeling
Gotta get groovin'
Tina's doing her dance
Jon's looking for romance
Paul's down on the floor
Hannah's screaming out for more
Wanna see Bradley swing?
Come on Rachel do her thing
We got Jo, she's got the flow
Get ready, here we go
You are decieved by satan, the father of lies.
The last normal summer, we'll never survive.
When I die, they'll say I did it for the headlines
When I die; HEP HEP HEP HEP
indiscriminate screaming, mostly the word murder
If I every tried, they'll be impressed.
But all I can offer is.
HEP HEP HEP HEP
indiscriminate screaming, but more this time.
We rise and grind at 4am
optimizing our morning routines
and cold plunging our way to 7 figure success
Failure is not an option
it's a learning opportunity that we will monitize into a MasterClass
I choose to show up as my highest self
drinking celery juice and aligning my purpose.
Everything happens for a reason bestie.
We believe in Web3, DeFi, and everything is going to 0 except our bags.
This is not financial advice.
This is not financial advice.
This is not financial advice.
This is not financial advice.
This is not financial advice.
This is not financial advice.
This is not financial advice.
This is not financial advice.
This is not financial advice.
This is not financial advice.
U mad bro? Deal with it
We do it for the lulz
Former teenage big deal
but this nostalgia blows
U mad, newfag?
Someone has set us up the bomb.
All your base belong to us
go ahead and call your mom.
I don't want Teddy Ruxpin, I want my dad.
But time moves on and now it's just sad.
U mad, newfag, I've got the epic win.
Been here since the summer of '06, let the lulz begin.
U mad, stay mad, trollface.jpeg2000
but now I'm pushing 40 and my brain is still like this.
Pool's closed forever
Due to stingrays and
Glorydays are over, but the cringe always stays
Just listen to the nice man tell you a story, alright?
Everything's fine, we're gonna be okay
Check my phone 7 times before I'm even out of bed
Scrolling for the sign that today's the day
Either the good or bad one; I'm open
Maybe it's cope, maybe I'm insane
3 more months until this thing goes sideways
I'll keep checking twice, sleep with one eye open
Because optimism's nice, but paranoia never lies
Maybe I should meditate
Read an article that says things are looking up
but the comments say we're all fucked
Excerpt from Rules of the Internet
- All your carefully picked arguments can easily be ignored.
- Anything you say can and will be used against you.
- Anything you say can be turned into something else.
- Do not argue with trolls - it means that they win.
- The harder you try the harder you will fail.
- If you fail in epic proportions, it may just become a winning failure.
- Every win fails eventually.
- Everything that can be labeled can be hated.
- The more you hate it the stronger it gets.
- Nothing is to be taken seriously.
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine.
Song presented in honor of the late, great Rev. Michael Dowd.
https://postdoom.com/
“There are always those able to be the calm in the storm. Not only to be the place of grounding, centeredness, love, compassion, generosity, and inclusion, but to also be an inspiration for others.” – Michael Dowd
